Signs That It’s Not Swinging, He’s Just Using It As An Excuse To Cheat

Most of the time, cheating is pretty cut and dry. He lied, he slept with other people, boom. In polyamorous communities and group sex crowds, cheating isn’t as obvious. Sometimes, what ends up happening is that there’s a couple that’s supposedly into swinging - but it’s really just serving one person in that duo. In other words, it’s cheating without really going behind one’s back.In the swinging community, it’s very frowned upon and it happens more often than you think. If you recently got into a swinging relationship, you might want to make sure to look for signs that he’s not just using it as an excuse to cheat.

Sign #1: He badgered you into opening up the relationship. Were you initially vehemently against it? If he wore you down or issued an ultimatum to you, this isn’t consensual. It’s you feeling pressured and forced into it - and that’s not cool. What he wanted was to have his cake and eat it too, without caring about your feelings in the least bit.

Sign #2: He regularly ignores you during threesomes or he regularly shuts down any potential partner you’d have. When he’s making it all about himself and him getting lucky, you’re dealing with a cheater. Why? Because in actually decent swinging couples, the pleasure is doled out equally between each partner. If he’s the only one getting laid, you need to walk.

Sign #3: You want to cry after swinging sessions. This is a really bad sign that you might already know it’s just an excuse to cheat or that you’re being emotionally abused. If you find yourself crying after his group sex things, it’s time to be real. He’s cheating and doesn’t care that he hurts you.

Sign #4: Any time you actually get action, he has a tantrum or gives you the cold shoulder. This is a key indicator that he just wants to be allowed to cheat on you without giving you the same liberty. It’s lopsided, and it’s not fair to you. The dynamic in this relationship is abusive - and that means you need to leave.

Sign #5: He doesn’t listen when you tell him you’re not comfortable with a partner or with an act. It’s not actually swinging if you’re not cool with what he’s doing. If he doesn’t care that you want him to stop what he’s doing, he’s cheating and trying to frame it as being poly, a swinger, or having a threesome.

Sign #6: Friends have approached you out of concern for the way he talks about you. Has your partner approached friends for sex, then talked badly about you to them? If your friends have come up to you to ask what the deal is with your guy, you need to listen to their concerns. If you aren’t turned on by what he’s doing and are actually mortified by his actions, he’s cheating.

Sign #7: You feel sick thinking about it. Generally speaking, if sexual experiences he’s having without you make you feel like puking, it’s cheating. It doesn’t matter if you said yes if you felt pressured into it. If you feel sick, have told him so, and he still does it, it's cheating.

Sign #8: He’s forming emotional attachments to his swinging partners - and you told him not to do that. Generally speaking, when it comes to swinging and group sex, catching feelings is a no-no. In polyamory, if you told your partners that you’re not okay with a partner, they can’t allow themselves to fall for that partner. Doing so would be cheating.

Sign #9: You want to close the relationship again, but he’s not having it. A lot of guys who use this as an excuse to cheat will use the excuse, “Well, it’s open now. We can’t just close it again.” This is total garbage. You can open and close relationships whenever it’s necessary. If he’s not respecting your boundaries, it’s done.

Sign #10: He’s lied to you about flings he’s had that you didn’t approve of. Yes, this is actually the same “cut and dry” definition as monogamous couples, but it still holds true with polyamorous people too. If you had a hard limit involving him not sleeping with someone, and he did it anyway, then lied to you about it, guess what - he cheated.

Sign #11: You honestly don’t feel special in your relationship. Most of the time, what hurts the most about cheating (aside from lying) is the fact that he makes you feel like an option, like you’re replaceable. If he stopped trying to make you feel special for allowing him that liberty, you’re dealing with cheating disguised as polyamory.

Sign #12: He regularly uses the fact that you’re “poly” as an excuse for all sorts of bad behavior. Does he use his polyamorous side to excuse flirting with others in front of you during family events? Does he use his swinger title as an excuse as to why he can’t sleep with you, but could sleep with someone else? Does he use these kinds of excuses all the time? Guess what, he’s also using it as an excuse to cheat because he’s a jerk.

Sign #13: You regularly get into arguments over the polyamory issue. This is a bad sign, and it’s a sign that he’s really not respecting what you need in a relationship. If it gets to the point that you have to argue, nag, or even beg him to show some sort of modicum of respect to you during group sex, poly, or swinging situations, you need to leave. He’s abusive and a cheater, to boot.

Sign #14: He pouts or whines when you tell him that he’s crossing a line, but stops what he’s doing. Here’s the thing that many newbies to polyamory don’t get: If someone can’t immediately stop and apologize for crossing a line without adding a guilt trip, they’re not polyamorous and should not be having group sex. Him calling you “selfish” for having boundaries or whining to make you rethink things only shows that he doesn’t care about your boundaries or emotional well being at all. And, that’s cheating.

Sign #15: A third person has taken priority over you - and it’s not just a one night thing, either. This is the point where you need to realize that he’s basically replaced you, and that he’s cheating on you right in front of your face. If he does this, it’s ultimatum time. Or better yet, it’s time to leave.