Sunday, July 28, 2019

I Can't Orgasm With a Partner Anymore

Around two years ago, I stopped orgasming from penetrative sex, which was sad, but I could still get off with some C-spot stimulation from my partner. However, now I can't do that anymore — but I can get off by myself fairly easily and multiple times. One of the reasons I attributed my declining orgasm count was dissatisfaction with my partner, which I changed, but my count continues to decline. I'm thinking now it's a personal psych-out problem. I am already convinced I won't get off and I feel badly for my partner working so hard with very little reward. Are there any tips or tricks to getting around this mental block?
This is a classic anxiety paradox: The harder you try not to worry, the more worried you become. The more you try to relax, the less relaxed you feel. Whether it's a basketball player choking in the final seconds, or a musician worrying so much about technique that she forgets the feel, it's hard to force yourself to be in the moment. Stress is usually a multiplying force; it feeds on itself.
The classic zen-and-the-art-of-orgasm advice here is usually to focus on the journey, not the destination: Allow yourself to enjoy everything else that's pleasurable about sex — and tell your partner to do the same. Crack a joke, break the tension, take your time. Ask for what you want. Worry less about what makes you come than what makes you feel good.
Also, since you can get yourself off easily, I hope you're using your own fingers or toys when you're in bed with your partner. Combined with sex or separate, watching you get off will surely turn him on — and he'll know that you're getting everything you want. He can even watch and learn more about what you like. As always, you're more likely to get what you want if you ask for it. So show him around your body and introduce what you enjoy. Say what you like, what you want, and have fun.
Everyone goes through sexual slumps, so don't worry. It's only a matter of time until you get your groove back.
I've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now. He is my first everything — first love, first time, first relationship longer than a couple months. He has serious social anxiety. I've been patient with him and tried to help him through it, but it definitely impacts our communication. He tells me he wants to change and is working on it. I love him, but sometimes I wonder if I would be happier with someone else. I enjoy the attention I get from other guys, and I have little "crushes" from time to time. This makes me feel incredibly guilty. Breaking up with him would break my heart. Still, I wonder if I would be sparing both of us more pain down the road. What do I do?
A first love is unlike any other. It's the one time there is literally no comparison. So it's hard to tell what's normal, what's healthy or right for you, and, most of all, how to move on.
You love this guy, so maybe you do want to continue to make this work.You can continue to talk these issues out, suggest he get some therapy, and, most of all, continue to be patient. Social anxiety isn't something that can be cured overnight with a magic pill. I know he's promising that he will change, but please remember that you'll only ever be dating your boyfriend as he exists, and not the hypothetical version you hope he will become. You have to accept this part of him too. He may indeed change eventually, but the actual relationship you're in now has to work for you. Don't bet on being happy some day; ask yourself if you can make this relationship as he is now.
Helping someone work through their deep-seated issues on a daily basis is a wonderful thing, whether that's social anxiety or anything else. But you have to be careful about who you choose to help and how long you choose to help them and how easy it is to confuse dating with helping. As you date more, you'll realize that everyone you date will have their own problems — and it's not particularly your job to fix them, or even to help them if it's time to move on. You'll also likely meet a few people who try to get you to stay together because they say the relationship might save them, even if that's rarely true. Anyone with a big heart has likely stretched a relationship out too long, whether because of pure guilt or the most selfless intentions.
Prolonging a relationship that doesn't make you happy rarely helps anyone. So please don't feel like you have to save this guy. And please don't feel guilty: There's nothing wrong with wondering if you'd be happier with someone else. Relationships are choices that you make, again and again — and a healthy relationship can stand up to that most basic hypothetical: Would I be happier with someone else?
This is the only guy you've ever dated seriously; of course you should think it over. A great relationship isn't built on blindness. You shouldn't have to pretend that all the other dudes on earth don't exist.
If you think you'd be happier with someone else, or all alone, that's fine too. There's nothing wrong with a first love running its course. There doesn't have to be anything wrong with this guy to make this relationship wrong for you. Maybe he is a wonderful guy to date … for a year. Maybe he's not a wonderful guy to date for two or more. Maybe you're too young to commit to one person right now. Maybe you'd like to date other guys. Maybe you'd like to be single for a bit. Any of those options is absolutely fine. You only ever need one reason to break up with a guy and that's simply that you don't want to be with him.
Obviously, if you want to keep working on this relationship, go for it, but also work on accepting him wholly, including his anxiety. Otherwise, let yourself off the hook. Breaking up with a first love is definitely hard. It will hurt. But it will hurt less if you do it sooner than later.  A clean break always heals faster.
My boyfriend's friendship with his roommate's girlfriend is driving a wedge in our relationship. I don't know if I'm overreacting, but this has turned our happy relationship of 2.5 years into an occasionally toxic one. My boyfriend and his roommate's girlfriend are both aspiring medical students and have taken several classes together since freshman year. When his roommate left to study abroad, she started seeking additional company from my boyfriend. This wasn't a problem because I figured she was lonely and they mutually benefit from an academic friendship. I even tried being friends with her, but her shallowness, petty gossip, and obsessive need to chronicle her life on social media wasn't for me. Things became much more dramatic the following semester when she discovered her boyfriend cheated while abroad. They stayed together, but she constantly seeks attention from my boyfriend. He's blind to seeing that she treats him like a proxy boyfriend. I trust him, but he's a genuinely caring and oblivious soul. She often stops by his room unannounced, texts unnecessarily (even sending hearts), asks him to go to events or walk to class together, and pleads him to take more classes with her, despite already sharing three classes a semester. Even on breaks, she wants him to come visit or go to the library together to study for MCATs. After I talked with my boyfriend, he said he'll reinforce a more appropriate and academic friendship, but I haven't seen much change. This has made me so frustrated, yet he chalks it up to jealousy. This has caused so many fights between us and at one point nearly led to a breakup. I told him I couldn't stand how she was talking so badly about her friend yet acts like best friends in her presence. I suggested telling the truth [to her friend] and he flipped out, accused me of blackmailing her, and said he'd break up if I did something like that. Am I being irrational? Or is there genuine cause for concern? I want our relationship to be good again. Things are fine when she's not in the picture, but that's not healthy for any relationship. What should I do?
Please don't hire a hit man to take this other woman out.
It's clear that you really hate this girl. It's not just that she spends time with your boyfriend: You think she's a shallow gossip who uses social media too much and talks about her friends behind their backs. I can tell it makes your skin crawl to see her send heart emojis to your boyfriend.
I don't think you're being entirely irrational. It sounds like this woman is clinging to your boyfriend too much. It sounds like she's using him as a social crutch while her boyfriend is away. And it sounds like your boyfriend isn't doing a great job of explaining or limiting that friendship in order to make you feel safe.
However, I'm glad to hear that your boyfriend feels that he should "reinforce a more appropriate" friendship. Sometimes, we all worry that a partner's close friendship might turn romantic, but it doesn't sound like your boyfriend would cheat with her, particularly because she's his friend's girlfriend. This "proxy boyfriend" situation sounds unfortunate and irritating, but doesn't sound too dangerous to me. It just sounds like a pain in the ass, for both of you.
From your boyfriend's perspective, he's probably thinking that he's just studying hard with a fellow pre-med student and this is all innocent: His girlfriend (you) hates his good friend, who shares his interests and his trust, and has developed this baseless jealousy. He thinks: If she were a guy, maybe this wouldn't be such a big deal. But she isn't. And you're both nearing the end of college, when he's going to head off to med school, so of course you're anxious about your relationship.
Frankly, I think that very understandable anxiety is causing you to go a bit overboard. You crossed a line when you suggested that you should go tell her friend what she was saying about her: That's not cool. In that case, I bet your boyfriend is right that this suggestion was motivated more by resentment than your notion of right and wrong. I'm sure his guy friends have said the occasional unkind thing about other people. Have you ever ratted them out? If not, did you want to punish her for getting too close?
Look, we all lash out sometimes. But if you keep acting out like that, you're going to create some self-destructive, distracting fights, instead of addressing the core questions here: Where do the two of you stand? How secure are you as graduation nears? Maybe you can talk more about those fundamental issues, since it sounds like you've talked about this girl enough. He knows it's driving you crazy that he's spending so much time with her. (At the very least, try saying, "I'd like you to spend more time with me," since hopeful requests trump negative commands like, "Stop spending so much time with her.") Besides, there's really nothing more to say about this woman and it sounds like you're spinning in circles. I think you've probably taken the outrage as far as it will go.
My advice: Spend less time thinking about your boyfriend's study partner and focus more on your actual relationship. Try to be bigger than your jealousy; seething jealousy is just not a good look for anyone. Let him see you confident. The next time it flares up, remind yourself: He's got a friend that you don't like, but he's yourboyfriend. End of story.

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