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While there are plenty of men who worry about not being able to um, rise to the occasion, there can also be the opposite issue when it's time to end the show. Believe it or not, plenty of men struggle with the inability orgasm, making for a less that satisfying end to intercourse. What can be even more frustrating — for both you and your partner — is how sex can feel less than enchanting if you don't feel like you've both experienced it to the full potential. After all, intimacy is built on shared connection and if your girlfriend or wife is left wondering if you enjoyed yourself — or faked it — she might doubt your relationship. For you, the build itself can cause added stress and worry, not only to your psyche but to your body, too. The good news is there is often a solution for most men that can help them achieve orgasm in a meaningful, medicine-free way. Though some prescriptions can be recommended and utilized, sex and relationship therapists and experts lean toward natural solutions that clear your mind and prepare you for, ahem, a good time.
Here, a guide on how to address this issue and the best way to handle the problem so it doesn't wreck your sex life, your relationship or your happiness:
1. What Is This Issue?
Technically speaking, sex and relationship therapist Dr. Cat Meyer, LMFT says this condition is called anorgasmia, or the inability or difficulty with experiencing orgasm in sex. Though she estimates only 8 percent of men will struggle with this issue during their lifetime, it can still be troublesome and disappointing for those who continuously battle the grand finale of sex. It also rears its head — no pun intended — in different forms. "This is different than problems with maintaining erections, but refers specifically to the difficulty with experiencing climax. For some men this may be the inability to reach orgasm only during sexual intercourse while for others may only experience orgasm after prolonged and intense stimulation not involving intercourse," she explains.
There are also two various types, Dr. Meyer adds: primary or secondary. She says while primary refers to those who have never experienced an orgasm for the duration of their life or sexual activity, secondary refers to having had experienced orgasm before however, has acquired the difficulty at some point.
2. What Causes This Issue?
There are many reasons an otherwise healthy man isn't able to reach orgasm, according to Dr. Meyer. Most of the causes can be attributed to physical roadblocks that disrupt the hormones and chemicals in a man's body, while others can be implemented over many failed attempts, creating a psychological hurdle. Here are a few explanations for men who can't orgasm:
Taking Medication
If you've recently been diagnosed with depression and prescribed antidepressants — specifically SSRIs — Dr. Meyer says you might suddenly find yourself super desensitized to intercourse. This could explain why you once were able to reach a boiling point, you now can't seem to find the right temperature.
Chronic Illnesses
Men who are diabetic, battle ongoing, continuous pain, have a cardiovascular or neurological disease, spinal cord injury or other illnesses that disrupt their life may find themselves unable to orgasm. In this case, it's important to address and discuss your ailments with a trusted medical professional who can make sure you treat your sickness, as well as help you to improve your under-the-sheets experience.
Stress
No matter your industry, location or overall sense of self, everyone has times when all of the deadlines, responsibilities and well, bad news, seem to pile up. During these months (or ahem, years) — your cortisol levels skyrocket, causing you to be stressed to the max. Dr. Meyer says when you feel this way, you might start to experience difficulties with orgasm.
Hypo- Issues
Sexpert Coleen Singer says some men may have a slew of diagnosis that fall under the 'hypo' category. These include hypothyroidism, where the thyroid gland does not produce enough hormones or hypogonadism, where your testicles do not produce enough testosterone. With either of these, symptoms should be addressed with your physician.
Past Traumas
If you've experienced past trauma, sexual abuse, Dr. Meyer encourages men to address these thoughts and feelings ASAP. Since having these emotions can severely inhibit a functioning sex life, discussing the past can positively improve your future.
Masturbation Practices
While masturbation is a normal — and encouraged! — way to understand your own body, pleasure points and what you need to reach ecstasy, like anything else, it's best practiced in moderation. Or moreover, you don't want to masterbate in a specific manner that no woman or partner could ever compare. "Some men may struggle to orgasm thanks to their masturbation practices that conditioned the body to take longer to orgasm or only orgasm in a specific stroke or way," she says.
A Repressive Childhood
Do you often have negative attitudes or guilt about sex, masturbating or other sexually-related practices? Dr. Meyer says your childhood and upbringing can dramatically impact the way you approach and perceive sex, sometimes for the worse. "When we receive messages that sex or masturbation is bad, dirty, or a sin, we may become tense or nervous as pleasure builds in the body from stimulation causing an interruption in the build up or progression of the arousal cycle," she shares. "At the same time, past experiences of being caught and shamed masturbating or sexual abuse imprints contraction in the body's muscle memory that can be triggered in future sexual experiences."
3. Solutions To Consider
Your first step when you can't reach orgasm is to chat with your doctor ASAP. With a physical, you can determine and omit any chemical, hormonal or bodily issues that will help you understand what's happening internally. From here, you can explore natural and prescriptive medicines, or seek the help of a therapist if your problems fall more in the 'mental' category. Here, some ways that could improve your performance:
Address Emotional Issues Head-On
No one wants to admit they're battling nervousness, anger, resentment or depression — but Dr. Meyer says the sooner you allow yourself to feel, the more likely your sex life will improve. If you can't face your demons, how you can expect to be fully functioning and adjusted? "Understanding what is coming up or being held onto emotionally and addressing these face-on will help to remove the barriers that are impacting pleasure potential or full functioning the sex organs. Working with a sex therapist or having intimate dialogue with your partner can be a powerful way to move these through and get unstuck again," she shares.
Build Your Self-Confidence
Considering lack of self-esteem can impact everything from your ability to exceed in your career to finishing in the bedroom, Dr. Meyer says finding a way to build your sense of self is paramount. "For those who struggle with anxiety, the daily grind of work, relationship struggles, and negative self-worth, the body may be a tense and uncomfortable place to be present in. Practicing yoga, mindfulness, sensation focus, and deep breathing exercises are all helpful in building a stronger, more preferable sexual experience," she says.
Work Your PC Muscles
You may have heard of women doing Kegel exercises, but men can benefit from working their below-the-waist muscles. Dr. Meyer says palpating the PC muscles located between your testicles and anus can be helpful. Use a gentle circular massager "to relax tension built up here from hypertensing the pelvic floor consistently. This allows for muscle release, increase of sensation, and greater fluidity of blood to the genitals," she adds.
Work On Your Breathing
If you hold your breath, you're probably going to miss the big finish. Or not be able to get there at all. When you focus on your breath, Dr. Meyer says you're reap the rewards. Plus, it helps you reconnect and fully understand your body and what it needs in the moment, sexually or not."Slow down your breathing, draw it down into the abdominal region and get full exhales. Often times as the body builds in arousal or nears climax the breathing becomes tense and shallow or even held. By continuing to breath, we are allowing the body to relax fully for greater contractions that come with orgasm," she says.
Try These Products
Many products can be beneficial in helping you achieve a stronger performance in the bedroom. From supplements to lubricants and other solutions, many men have used and appreciated the extra hand they've offered. As a safety precaution, before you dive into the world of sex products that promise orgasm, make sure to get the approval of your therapist or doctor, just in case you have any sensitivities.
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